Sunday, March 06, 2005
You know, I wonder when people will stop asking me about when, rather than if, I will have a baby. I rarely write about this subject, simply because it's nobody's business but mine. At the same time, the culture in which I am surrounded dictates that I have a response. Interestingly, I should have a very confident response to the question in question because I haven't had one, a baby that is, to date. It's the same thing for people who are not married. For some reason our culture assumes that single people want to be married. Um, maybe not?
I am in a place of frustration because I struggle with the overwhelming culture of suburbia and, naturally that culture involves the baby factor. And hey, we all know that suburbia isn't for me, but it is for many. This exploration of suburban culture in no way intends to say that it is without purpose or joy for that matter. What I mean to say is that me + suburban culture do not fit.
If any of the people who truly know me, asks the question about if I will have a baby, they would first think. I would hope that they would think about who I am, who I aspire to be, what I love to do and with whom I love to do that stuff. Then, they would consider, if just for a moment, what my values are, how those values translate into my daily activities, and then decide whether or not those personal values and actions indicate any sort of message that I'm missing something. Therefore, those that know me would be in a pretty good place to answer the very question. I wonder, if they do ask, are they thinking about my values? If not, do they want to know what those values, which translate to goals and/or dreams, mean in the short and the long-term?
So add that and then consider, just for a moment, do I look like I'm missing something? Is there this obvious gaping hole overwhelming my purpose in life that I am not aware of? Do I appear to yearn for meaning? Do I come off as unhappy because of this unknown missing thing? Do I look as though I am without happiness? Or, is it simply that I am an anomaly to the culture in which I live - which ultimately makes me unfit for the culture in which I live?
This is one example of the cultural things that truly blows my mind. I look at myself from a bird's eye view and find that the things that I miss are always things that I've had or on the rare occasion, that I desire. How can I miss something that I've not had? How can I miss something I have not desired? Why is it that my life must - for some inexplicable reason - fit into this cultural mould?
Last, but certainly not least, how does my current married-without-children status make me a selfish person? I thought the definition of selfish is that a selfish individual puts themself before any other person for their own best interests. If it's just me in the 'equation', then who am I being selfish towards?
From a culturally shocked suburbanite, I lay my frustrations before my peers...
I am in a place of frustration because I struggle with the overwhelming culture of suburbia and, naturally that culture involves the baby factor. And hey, we all know that suburbia isn't for me, but it is for many. This exploration of suburban culture in no way intends to say that it is without purpose or joy for that matter. What I mean to say is that me + suburban culture do not fit.
If any of the people who truly know me, asks the question about if I will have a baby, they would first think. I would hope that they would think about who I am, who I aspire to be, what I love to do and with whom I love to do that stuff. Then, they would consider, if just for a moment, what my values are, how those values translate into my daily activities, and then decide whether or not those personal values and actions indicate any sort of message that I'm missing something. Therefore, those that know me would be in a pretty good place to answer the very question. I wonder, if they do ask, are they thinking about my values? If not, do they want to know what those values, which translate to goals and/or dreams, mean in the short and the long-term?
So add that and then consider, just for a moment, do I look like I'm missing something? Is there this obvious gaping hole overwhelming my purpose in life that I am not aware of? Do I appear to yearn for meaning? Do I come off as unhappy because of this unknown missing thing? Do I look as though I am without happiness? Or, is it simply that I am an anomaly to the culture in which I live - which ultimately makes me unfit for the culture in which I live?
This is one example of the cultural things that truly blows my mind. I look at myself from a bird's eye view and find that the things that I miss are always things that I've had or on the rare occasion, that I desire. How can I miss something that I've not had? How can I miss something I have not desired? Why is it that my life must - for some inexplicable reason - fit into this cultural mould?
Last, but certainly not least, how does my current married-without-children status make me a selfish person? I thought the definition of selfish is that a selfish individual puts themself before any other person for their own best interests. If it's just me in the 'equation', then who am I being selfish towards?
From a culturally shocked suburbanite, I lay my frustrations before my peers...
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Amen Sister...AMEN! We've had many conversations about this topic and how frustrating it can be. I am slowly losing my friends to "the Motherhood" and it seems like a weird club that everyone wants to be a part of, but me. I mean, its great being by babies and kids..but that sense of "fulfillment" still isn't inside of me, and I don't know when it will ever turn on. Although, what you have identified as a suburbia phenomenon in which we must procreate to redeem ourselves, I think it is just a societal thing in general. I'm very much in the city, and constantly feel the pressure to get married. My parents feel that pressure when their own friends ask when their kids are going to get married. Ironically, I think me, my brother, my mom and dad all wanna tell them to take a hike! As for being selfish, the only people who are selfish are the ones who force their own private views on those around them. Some of the most influential people in the world are proud to not have had kids, and probably could not have done the things they did because of it. Look at Oprah! Her response to the kid question - my life is more fufilled and I can do my work and spread my good will which I was meant to do better without having children of my own. I love her!
You and I have had many conversations on this topic, quite recently in fact. My opinion is that being a mom is definately not for everyone. I would have to say that for me being a mom is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. It is what I have dreamed of since before I can remember. For me, I felt as though something in my life was missing and now that I am a mom I am complete! But you and I are different people, we have different dreams. My dreams were to be a wife and a mom. I know that your dreams include traveling the world and being successful in life. If you don't feel the need to have kids than I think that it is better that you don't. If you don't desire to be a mom, than you shouldn't. Do what makes you happy and what makes you feel complete! Honestly, who cares what others think, make yourself happy. I admire the marriage that you have and the love of life that you both have. You share the same interests, and if one of those is to remain kidless than all the power to you! If you don't have kids then you have all the more love to give Ella, and that's fine with us! We love you anyway you desire to be!
J,
I know I always have you as an ally.
I hear what you mean in terms of the suburban culture as too limiting on this issue. I guess that's the culture I'm in, so I feel it is blame-able. But you're right in the sense that it is more of a societal thing. Although, is that true of the world, or North America? I remember getting strange, if not befuddled, looks in India when we would tell locals that we were married without kids. But, that too is cultural.
I love what you said about being selfish. That is so true. I feel that is something that I need to take note of, especially since I cannot place my value of travel, for instance, on others. I know you carry world travel as an important value, so I feel comfortable sharing my views on it with you. At the same time, many people I know do not hold that as a life-value and so I cannot purport that traveling is the only real experience and value in life because it is for me. That would be... selfish.
What I find interesting is that both you and dee believe Oprah is a hero. Hmmm... an interesting value being agreed upon with divergent reasons as to why.
- E
I know I always have you as an ally.
I hear what you mean in terms of the suburban culture as too limiting on this issue. I guess that's the culture I'm in, so I feel it is blame-able. But you're right in the sense that it is more of a societal thing. Although, is that true of the world, or North America? I remember getting strange, if not befuddled, looks in India when we would tell locals that we were married without kids. But, that too is cultural.
I love what you said about being selfish. That is so true. I feel that is something that I need to take note of, especially since I cannot place my value of travel, for instance, on others. I know you carry world travel as an important value, so I feel comfortable sharing my views on it with you. At the same time, many people I know do not hold that as a life-value and so I cannot purport that traveling is the only real experience and value in life because it is for me. That would be... selfish.
What I find interesting is that both you and dee believe Oprah is a hero. Hmmm... an interesting value being agreed upon with divergent reasons as to why.
- E
The issue of fulfillment comes up in the first session of almost any adoption process. If anyone mentions one of their reasons for adopting as “I need a child to feel fulfilled” I sit straight up and dig in. To decide to adopt or have a child to fulfill your own need is to bring a wee baby into the world with a big chip on his or her shoulder and an impossible mission. It’s not so far removed from having a baby to save a marriage, which is widely denounced with good reason. That is not to say that having a child isn’t or shouldn’t be fulfilling but as you imply, it has to come from within. Many people I consider wise have chosen to have children to enrich an already gratifying, successful life not because anything was missing or wrong. Perhaps it’s one of those “is the glass half full or empty?” type questions.
I can see it putting incredible pressure on your decision whether or not to have kids if you perceive that if you would, people will think you chose to because you were otherwise unhappy with your life.
I wonder if you’re being unduly hard on both yourself and the culture you find yourself in. The way I see it includes a broader scope than choosing to be childless vs. social pressure to have kids – it’s also technology vs. biology. We’re talking about a choice that has only been relatively securely attainable in the last two generations compared to the beginning of time (aside from the basic abstinence route of course). Yeah that’s going to cause personal and social stresses! In your current situation and Jaime’s you are indeed trailblazing but you’re part of a significant emerging force. I suspect (hope) that anyone who is ten years behind you will find themselves dealing with much more relaxed social environment. Then there’s the menno culture which sets us all back about a generation anyway as far as social change…
I think the lame selfish accusation might be the defensive flip side to the implication that people with kids did it because they weren’t successful in other areas of life or lacked creativity. The issue seems so charged on both sides and I don’t really understand that. As Dee says, she totally gets why someone wouldn’t have kids without feeling that it diminishes her joy about it in any way (at least if I read it right). A few of my closest friends are unmarried and/or childless and I have no desire to urge them to have kids and “be like me” even though I’m happy with my route.
As a total aside, what picture comes to your mind when you classify something as suburban? Have you created a loose definition of what that means to you as compared to the things you value? I’m trying to come up with one myself.
Hmm, Oprah is also respected by a certain wonderful man I know who happens to be gay...how does she manage to appeal to such a broad audience?
I can see it putting incredible pressure on your decision whether or not to have kids if you perceive that if you would, people will think you chose to because you were otherwise unhappy with your life.
I wonder if you’re being unduly hard on both yourself and the culture you find yourself in. The way I see it includes a broader scope than choosing to be childless vs. social pressure to have kids – it’s also technology vs. biology. We’re talking about a choice that has only been relatively securely attainable in the last two generations compared to the beginning of time (aside from the basic abstinence route of course). Yeah that’s going to cause personal and social stresses! In your current situation and Jaime’s you are indeed trailblazing but you’re part of a significant emerging force. I suspect (hope) that anyone who is ten years behind you will find themselves dealing with much more relaxed social environment. Then there’s the menno culture which sets us all back about a generation anyway as far as social change…
I think the lame selfish accusation might be the defensive flip side to the implication that people with kids did it because they weren’t successful in other areas of life or lacked creativity. The issue seems so charged on both sides and I don’t really understand that. As Dee says, she totally gets why someone wouldn’t have kids without feeling that it diminishes her joy about it in any way (at least if I read it right). A few of my closest friends are unmarried and/or childless and I have no desire to urge them to have kids and “be like me” even though I’m happy with my route.
As a total aside, what picture comes to your mind when you classify something as suburban? Have you created a loose definition of what that means to you as compared to the things you value? I’m trying to come up with one myself.
Hmm, Oprah is also respected by a certain wonderful man I know who happens to be gay...how does she manage to appeal to such a broad audience?
Hmmmm... it kind of bothers me that anyone has to make an excuse, have a reason, or whatever, about deciding not to have children. I think the decision alone is a huge one - it is a decision that will effect the life of child forever. Children in my eyes are the most precious, wonderful, and miraculous things on earth. I'm not sure that I will be able to articulate my thoughts on this very clearly, but I'm going to compare it to a very expensive car. Recently, a car was parked behind mine at a friend's place, and I was blocked in. The car behind mine probably cost about as much as the house Ryan and I live in. The owner tossed me the keys, and said "Go ahead, just move it yourself". Sheepishly, I handed the keys back and told him that I just didn't feel comfortable moving his car. All I could think about was what if I hit something? What if I wrecked that car? I chose not to - I didn't have to move it if I didn't want to - and I just didn't want to take any responsibility for that car. I kind of feel that this is somewhat how I feel about having kids - except that in the matter of children, I've decided to brave the thought of "wrecking things" and taking on the responsibility. What I'm trying to say is that if someone chooses another route in life, or ulimately decides that kids aren't for them - I have to deeply respect that decision. How can you question a person's decision not to do something that they are not comfortable with, or have no desire to do - especially when it comes to something as important as a LIFE! I can't question that decision at all. Thankfully I also feel that I can trust my Almighty, and All-Knowing God to make the ultimate decision for me.
Tan,
I guess 'suburban' for me equals anything that isn't urban in culture or dynamic. Like Abbotsford, a perfect example of what I would typify as suburban. Abbotsford is not a city, despite its size and population growth, its so... culturally-non-urban. It has several interesting levels of culture - like the blend of two immigrant generations: one Paraguayan-Mennonite and the more recent Indian-Sikh one. Very interesting, culturally speaking but not really urban in the sense of advancing art, film, fashion, or more importantly creating (or using) an efficient transportation system and/or considering the environmental footprint. There's more, but that's my underlying concept. What have you come up with?
I guess 'suburban' for me equals anything that isn't urban in culture or dynamic. Like Abbotsford, a perfect example of what I would typify as suburban. Abbotsford is not a city, despite its size and population growth, its so... culturally-non-urban. It has several interesting levels of culture - like the blend of two immigrant generations: one Paraguayan-Mennonite and the more recent Indian-Sikh one. Very interesting, culturally speaking but not really urban in the sense of advancing art, film, fashion, or more importantly creating (or using) an efficient transportation system and/or considering the environmental footprint. There's more, but that's my underlying concept. What have you come up with?
I’m not sure whether to define suburban by a specific layout or the underlying values. To me suburban means a ridiculous structure of streets, yards and houses that revolve entirely around car transportation and are environmental nightmares.
I believe that the lack of culture you mention that is mirrored in Kelowna can be attributed to the car setup to a large degree. I include all meaningful interactions of people and community building as a part of culture as well as the arts. Christopher Alexander’s A Pattern Language has been instrumental in helping me define and put a face on the so many things I feel are wrong with current development.
In combination with the structural stuff is the mentality of bigger is better. It drives me crazy. If there were good common spaces within a community there would be way less perceived need for the ridiculous lawns and multiple rec rooms. And who really needs a large bedroom? The problem of poor layout of spaces within a house mirrors the issue of short sighted suburb design. Then there are the SUV’s *sigh*. I can’t honestly understand how they’re even legal for city driving. The whole gamut of environmental issues are tied in to all of it too.
This is turning into rant as it so often does on this topic. This is my first stab at trying to define it so it may get better someday.
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I believe that the lack of culture you mention that is mirrored in Kelowna can be attributed to the car setup to a large degree. I include all meaningful interactions of people and community building as a part of culture as well as the arts. Christopher Alexander’s A Pattern Language has been instrumental in helping me define and put a face on the so many things I feel are wrong with current development.
In combination with the structural stuff is the mentality of bigger is better. It drives me crazy. If there were good common spaces within a community there would be way less perceived need for the ridiculous lawns and multiple rec rooms. And who really needs a large bedroom? The problem of poor layout of spaces within a house mirrors the issue of short sighted suburb design. Then there are the SUV’s *sigh*. I can’t honestly understand how they’re even legal for city driving. The whole gamut of environmental issues are tied in to all of it too.
This is turning into rant as it so often does on this topic. This is my first stab at trying to define it so it may get better someday.
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